If You Hate Chetan Bhagat, Ignore His Work.

Mohammad Jesus Chaturvedi is an avid reader. He was born with an account on GoodReads and is one of the most active bookworms ever known to the medical community.

As a self-proclaimed descendant of Geoffrey Chaucer, he hates Chetan Bhagat to the core. He blames Bhagat for everything that is wrong with the modern day English literature in India, nay, world. He loathes his literary skills so much that he reads every column CB spits out, every tweet he farts and buys every single one of his 'books'. He will be awake late into the wee hours at night, carefully gliding through each character just to critique CB's skills he so actively despises.

Such self-annointed literature nazis have cropped up across all social platforms. Release of CB's books is followed by week long tweets/posts quoting excerpts from his books, mentioning how degrading his portrayal of point of view of women really is.

They then go home, counting likes and retweets like a cocaine dealer counts his cash, and wonder how the hell is CB one of this country's bestselling authors.

Chetan Bhagat may not go down in history as the most popular English language author of the country, but his seven million sold copies, Filmfare award for best screenplay and much more, will be quoted to justify his popularity and presence in the bookshelves across the globe. Sigh!

Compact Disks and Nostalgia

My laptop has aged well. Still works like a charm. No out of the ordinary demands. It’s been almost 4 years. No Botox. Except when it was opened up and its soul was cleansed some 6 months back. It came back refreshed. One fine day, its CD Drive popped open without being asked to. This became frequent in due course of time. It was like a stroke, in laptop terminology, a cry for help. I don’t know. But the day the drive first popped out surprisingly, I realized that those things had become obsolete. No self-respecting laptop wants it. A complete piece of shit, from a modern digital age perspective.

I have never seen a floppy drive in action. I did, however, had the honor of witnessing a Floppy Drive before they bowed down to evolution and were phased out to accommodate the CD drives.

But thanks to my laptop’s CD Drive’s cry for help, I was reminded of those days when CDs were the norm. That scratch-less, shiny rainbow-ish surfaces were alluring. Scratch CD pe nahi, dil pe lagta tha. Teachers too adopted the hipster way of asking us to submit projects digitally, on CDs. One lousy doc file or a PPT amounting to mere KBs submitted on a 700 MB CD. Dafaq? Pirated Himesh Reshammiya songs were sold in CDs for meagre sum. Oh and computer games – wonderful way of fucking one’s life. Classrooms were the exchange spots for computer games, music CDs, movies and whatnot. Encarta’s, Encyclopedia’s digital copies were exchanged in complete visibility of the teacher. Ladke padh likh ke naam roshan karenge, the teacher thought. Max Paynes, GTAs, IGIs exchanged hands hidden conveniently inside random notebooks.

Those delicate sensitive CD surfaces had to be provided additional security. Along came plastic CD cases, capable of accommodating a couple of the bad boys. Upgraded to CD wallets, comfortably holding tens of them bad boys. DVDs were a welcome upgrade in storage capacity. But what blew my mind were the re-writable CDs/DVDs. Those were a revelation straight from the heaven of digital age. And Nero – the magical software to write data onto the drives. What an age to be alive.

In the near future, the bulky, now useless CD drives will be replaced by an additional hard disk or something. They will be phased away for a more compact, more elegant storage medium, flashier than the flash drives. 2.0 USB ports are already making way for the 3.0 USB ports as our CDs lie peacefully, buried in their comfortable graves in some corner back home. Corrupted, forgotten.

Let’s vow not let the memories of Compact Disks fade away.

5 Types of Texting Personalities

Texting is the shit these days. It is slowly replacing the calls of good old days when the other person’s voice was the most important part of the communication. Today the voice just annoys the shit out of us because it ain’t Eminem. Texting has a lot of benefits too, just like e-mails used to have back in the ancient times. You are attending a boring presentation or a meeting, and you cannot talk on the phone of course to kill the boredom, you have messengers. At least 10 of them. And almost all your friends are using those. And chances are that you will find 4-5 of them as bored as you. Life is sorted even during the most boring time.

Like every good thing, even this comes with certain disadvantages. When there are people involved, annoyance is a part of the package. Every texter has a personality associated with his style of texting. Here are some of them.

Shrtct maniacs

They convert the simple and pretty ‘how are you’ into tasteless ‘hw r u’. The so called sms lingo is anything but sensible and logical. For someone who would swear in court with one hand on Oxford’s Guide to Grammar, this practice is obnoxious beyond limits. The precious nano-seconds saved here are invested in wiping the ass for an added duration. Their whole life is a typo for that matter. For the record, it took me a few days to get the meaning of 'bfn'. I was too ashamed to ask the sender about it. These days, I worship Urban Dictionary as much as Google.

Pehle jitna ho gaya utna bhejta hoon

You receive their texts as one word per text message.

How

Are

You

?

God save your sanity if your notifications are not on silent. And imagine the sender being a part of sms lingo gang too. The urge to block that person first off the phonebook then off the planet grows stronger with the each such message. But before that, I would message them back saying:

Get

The

Fuck

Out

!

The Alzheimer Texters and Ignorers

One of the most annoying kind. They see a message and ignore it. Like you don't even exist. At times they make a mental note to reply later and forget where they stored that note. Ask them a question and they reply to you in their head thinking the reply will reach you automatically. Are they going to invent a mind reader app for such people? No I don't need it. Also by general convention, never trust a person who doesn’t reply to messages.

The Heirs of Wren and Martin

They take their time but make sure their messages do not cause any discomfort to any grammar nazi and punctuation nazi in the vicinity. They cross check every word and ensure that every punctuation mark is at its rightful place. When you are talking to them, they interrupt you at least thrice in each statement that you make, correcting your grammar and pronunciation. Once I sent a mail to my senior and marked it urgent. He corrected grammar and punctuation errors in it and sent me back without really replying to it. Talk about OCDs..

The Shakespeares of Texting

They are some devout worshipers of GRE word glossaries. They have a vocabulary so advanced, even the auto-correct shits itself ‘I got nothing man.’ A conversation between two of this type would be orgasmic to the likes of pseudo Shakespeare. Every night after talking to them I dream of my ex girlfriend reading out English Literature to me to teach me some of those words.

And me? I talk to these people to observe how they text so that I can write about them and create cool graphics.

First published here - Campusghanta.

International Men's Day - As Commissioned by Women

Men, scientifically termed as asshole sapiens by the disgruntled women population have been generously assigned a day to give them an illusion of being special even if for one day. And contrary to popular beliefs, every day is not men’s day. That specially anointed day happens to be 19^th November, today. Just an FYI, today also happens to be the International Toilet Day. Well played ladies. Also Men’s day and Women’s day are kept months apart to prevent any harassment, keeping India in mind of course.

Fathers, brothers, husbands, boyfriends, ex-boyfriends and the brutally friend-zoned fraternity generally constitute half the world’s population lovingly called ‘men’. The International Men’s Day is not supposed to be a competition to International Women’s Day. In fact it is an opportunity to highlight gender-specific issues of male health and wellbeing. So that’s that. However, it may be considered as a symbolic day against the inhumane behavior world’s husbands and boyfriends are subjected to throughout the year.

In this patriarchal society of ours, men are expected to be the bread-earners in a family. They are expected to take responsibility of the family. They are expected to be support their family by all means necessary and they do. And this has become a convention so much so that the lack of power in any manner hurts a man’s bubbling ego. However what hurts us men is the constant bashing that comes with being a man. Think about it and you’ll know what I mean.

A fair amount of injustice is directed at men for reasons known to women only. Men are supposed to pay for the dinner every fucking time in the name of chivalry. I mean financially they are almost always broke. Women should notice this when they are eyeing that fancy most expensive thing on the menu no one can pronounce properly and the boy or the grown ass man accompanying them is sitting there content with his glass of water desperately searching for the cheapest edible thing available because he is fucking hungry. Not to mention that this dinner of yours was financed by a joint dating account some handful of single friends came up with for occasions like this. And then instead of some gratitude women stomp on their hopeful hearts uttering thing like ‘I like you as a friend’. So much energy goes into controlling that rage.

Then there is a concept of ‘ladies first’. Regardless of whether it is deciding who gets on the lifeboats first in the Titanic or escaping the concentration camps, men have to abide by the social convention of ‘ladies first’. Women even have their own day before men in the calendar. Granted men have an urge to bring a smile on the ladies’ faces but there’s no acceptable reason for them to get the pizza first.

Also men are expected to please women, to propose marriage, to ask them out, to open gates for them, for husbands to run errands which I guess they brought upon themselves by proposing to begin with. All the name of chivalry - something women complain is dead even though it cannot logically exist in an equal society, which is something women wanted. It's one or the other.

I would gladly put this rant to fire if women show some gratitude for the good things men do. Some of them are dicks, agreed, but the majority of men are pure of heart and soul. So on this pious day blessed by the old gods and the new, I would request women to honor the courage and the bravery and the chivalry of men, pay for dinner at least today, open doors for us even if to bash it on our face for the remaining year, let us have beers, pizzas first and for the sake of God do not crib about toilet seats and towels on the bathroom floor. For once, allow gentlemen first.

So today is the International Men’s Day, where the fuck is my cake ??

Love Story Of A Nerd !!

When I first saw her, I was a bit skeptic. My friends said she was good, maybe the best. But I had to see that myself. And once I got to know her, I fell in love with her instantly. It was tough solving her problems, but that's what set her apart from the rest and that was why I loved her so very bad.

Bollywood And Script - A Tragic Love Story !!

A clear sunny morning turned eventful when the famous Bollywood ran into his long lost friend and ex, Script.

“Hey Bollywood, long time, how are you??” said Script, just for the sake of a conversation.

“Pretty good. You??” frowned Bollywood, looking away, trying his best to ignore her, just like he has been for the past so many years.

“I am good too. Never better. Actually I am working with Hollywood now. You know you could’ve…”

“I DON’T NEED YOU” yelled Bollywood, cutting her statement midway. “Just so you know, I am doing very well without you. I am popular here”

“Yeah I’ve heard. Those people would even pay to watch a pig fight. You aren’t that good, know that.”

And with that, they parted ways. Bollywood looked back at her, with just a touch of remorse. He may act like he doesn’t care, but deep down somewhere, even he knows, Bollywood needs Script.

…

Girls !!

The creator of the universe didn't dare to think beyond the IIMs, hence missed out on the honor of being an IIPM-ian. The lack of His management expertise is evident in the way He managed the project of populating Earth. A major technical glitch resulted in the most mysterious species ever known - Girls. Some features are sure creative. But the guy who programmed their brains must have been some inexperienced fresher. He unknowingly created an unsolvable, uncrackable puzzle for the rest of humanity to solve.

The idea that everything can be understood, solved and remodeled goes down the drain when it comes to the creatures we are discussing. Girls are an exception to every possible theory in the galaxy.

Every new possibility or impossibility and various scientific phenomenon attract the best minds to justify the event, to present answers and to solve the mysteries. The big bang theory, evolution, the God particle and similar more theories have fascinated scientists. Hundreds of new species of flaura and fauna are discovered every year and they. They are then studied to know our planet better.

But this particular species is left untouched, unsurveyed. Maybe for good. It’s stupid and pointless to go ahead with the research when the result is certain – failure and more drama.

As far as the mysteries  are concerned, they are mysterious in themselves. They can't be categorized, thus multiplying the complexity. There is no visible or theoretically possible starting point and no end to that. Every new definition challenges the previous one.

The reason no two statements bear any correlation, or why this article, as a whole, makes no sense is because...well, have a look at the topic, isn't it obvious??

Hey waiter, where's the menu ? - Order Etiquettes !!

'Hey waiter, can I get a veg burger and a drink please, thank you!!’

'Oye, ye Mc D hai tere baap ka dhaba nahi. Uth ke jaa counter pe, order de, samaan utha aur udhar leke aa. Mere liye ek Mc Aloo le aaiyo.'

Well…um, okay, that was news to me!  My stupidity had been highlighted. I looked around to see the gathering and tried to identify those who followed that bit of conversation. My embarrassment would vary according to the audience size, obviously. Thankfully, not more than a couple of teenagers seemed to notice.

Now, this is a defining personality trait of a typical delhi-ite. Unless it concerns them, they don’t give a shit whatever is happening around them. It's disturbing but I was glad of that behavior during those moments.

Being a first timer at a fast food joint, finally graduating from the desi junk - samosas to more classy and more junked up version of food - burgers, fries etc., it wasn’t a very pleasant start.

I looked around, over and under the table, for the menu.

Dhabe par menu to hota hai kam se kam !!

My friend told me everything is available at the counter. That lazy ass could have accompanied me. Anyway I stood up and walked towards the counter. And I was stumped again.

What to do now??

How to order??

What to order??

And then where is the freaking menu? Oh wait, it’s above the counter.

With one intriguing mystery solved, I drafted my order - one aloo tikki, make that two, one drink, some fries.. hmm… puffs sound curiously interesting. So puffs too and we're done.

Now, at McDonalds, one of the commandments states that ..

'Thou shalt not call a burger without a Mc prefix'.

One simply does not call a Mc Donald’s burger burger instead of McBurger !!

 I wasn’t aware of that by that point. So I said I wanted two simple burgers (arre.. wo aloo wale), one puff (McPuff), fries and a couple of small package Sprite. The attendee gave me a look of utter disgust, like I’ve just insulted an entire culture (Mc Donalds). Anyway, she did accept and process the order. I paid the amount and successfully completed what seemed to be no less than a month-long mission – time just stalls when your stupidity comes in limelight.

One thing I’ve noticed, with experience from multiple such instances, that to sound civilized and sophisticated, it's recommended to use English keywords like 'Two McAloos', 'please', 'thank you' etc. Full, grammatically correct, meaningful sentences are a bonus and people go 'wah kya baat hai' !!

…

Sometime next week, an unfortunate fellow hosteller failed to hide his birthday. We wished him and unanimously decided 'kaafi time se Pizza Hut nahi gaye, kal subah chalte hain'!!

We were in a group of five. I had learnt somewhere –

'a leader leads from the front, takes responsibility and simplifies the situation for his team'.

 I was inspired and bringing the experience from the 'Mc D fiasco' into consideration, I walked towards the billing counter and asked for the menu so I could place my order. They told me not to worry as an attendant will be at the table shortly. This was kind of embarrassing, again. I looked back and saw my friends laughing frantically. However, we had our order delivered in good time and there was the dilemma on the table, waiting for us- the forks and knives.

''ab inka kya karein ustaad ?'

I looked around and noticed a couple of faces asking the same. Being from a middle-class family, these instruments have seldom been used in my lifetime. But still, being in a sophisticated environment, we decided to give it a try. We received timely instructions regarding their usage from our temporary neta, like how to hold the the knife and use it and which hand should hold what and similar crap.

Jesus broke bread with his hands. Pt. Jawaharlal Nehru refused using a spoon at a high-profile dinner. We gave up the fork and knife routine, one by one. And we were finished eating pretty soon. We asked for  the bill and then noticed that one friend was panting after finishing one slice of his pizza, desperately trying to cut pieces of his pizza with his knife, then using the fork and switching hands frequently. It shouldn’t have been, but it was funny.

“bhai rehne de… tumse na ho payega” I quipped. He was back to the trusted desi style and really enjoyed the meal.

I’ve been in similar situations numerous times. To prevent awkward scenarios similar to the ‘Mc Donalds’ one, I choose to stand out of the line and observe the proceedings, the procedures before making my move. I am stupid I know that. I just don’t want others to know.

The Institute of Premier League - An Analogy !!

I have tried to co-relate the IPL tournament with the type of students most of us encounter during our college life. Hope it’s worth it. Any mis-statement of facts, or any omission of some significant event  purely shows the writer’s carelessness, idiocy (add adjective).

At the Institute of Premier League (IPL)...

CSK is like the consistent college topper. He competes with himself. He manages his time well. Buys the right books, makes proper notes and has been a consistent 9 pointer every semester, earning respect as well. He utilizes foreign authored books well and is resourceful in using the local authors as well. He even went to a foreign university on scholarship and dominated there as well (Champions League).