Monday, 27 October 2014

Surviving with a Nokia Handset


Someone using a non-lumia Nokia phone is today’s age of android and iOS domination deserves being pointed at and laughed at. And his phone surely deserves a respectable spot in a decent museum of antique objects. I am not saying they are bad, just that they are a thing of past. And living with and surviving with one such device surely and deservedly asks for a feature spot with Bear Grylls. It’s sad that they will not be a part of humanity’s future.

There once was a glorious past of Nokia. They churned out mobile handsets sturdier than the toughest military arsenals. The handsets of the class of 3315 were transported with utmost care lest one of them fall off the airplane and wipe out the entire humanity as we know it. The standout Nokia ringtones made the Motorolas and Samsungs tremble in fear. To top it all off they had calling facilities as a bonus to the military capabilities. Also they had features unimaginable in today’s pitiful phones – polyphonic ringtones and an option to create one ourselves (that nostalgic music functionality), drawing images and lot more. I dare you android users for a one-on-one in Space Impact.

But as it turned out, some idiot decided to poke phones right on the face and viola – touchscreens. And since that unfortunate Eureka moment, going has been tough for the Nokia fraternity. Non-touchscreen phone are on their way out today, a majority of those branded Nokia. I do not feel sorry for Nokia though. It’s difficult to carry on such high expectations.

Nokia currently are in the middle of a dubious present. Their brand ‘Nokia’ is as good as wiped out after their acquirer Micro-goddamn-soft decided to remove the Nokia tag from the probably the remnants of Nokia – the lumia phones. This is the closest demonstration of ‘naam mitti mein mila dena’. Although fine feature phones, the current generation lacks even a remote resemblance to Nokia’s old toughness. Probably just a bunch of weaklings they are.

The future is very bleak and no surprises there. The current generation of phones is dominated by touchscreens which fall out on slightest hint of impact. We very badly need the resurrection of 3315 and ‘The Return Of The 3315’. The legend of 3315 is next to impossible to replicate. They were the Sachin of cellphones.

Now surviving with a Nokia non-lumia phone in today’s world is an achievement unlocked in itself. A majority of the day is spent toggling between its spineless features and scavenging for that ever eluding patli pin wala charger. The battery dies minutes after complete charging. The entire device dismantles into million pieces after a 1-foot drop reminding me of the crater outside my house my old Nokia 3315 helped create. I search for some good features I might have missed after all these years as I leer at those mouth-watering touchscreen phones.

The Nokia store has dried up as far as old phones are concerned. There is WhatsApp then there are internet browsers and then there is WhatsApp again. This is my life – not enough motivation to continue living. Or maybe it’s just that my life is beyond crap.

People staring at my phone on buses and trains are extra creepy and even more so when they show sympathetic reactions. They do so probably because seeing a Nokia device with someone is amusing as they seem to be extinct by common perception. Every use of my current Nokia phone is cry for help – utha le bhagwan. And I am extremely sorry for my decade long loyalty to Nokia, but I am thinking of ditching the current phone the first chance I get.

Gone are those days when people swore by Nokia phones. They could be slipped into a toolbox in place of a hammer and no one batted an eye. They could have been a part of the survival kit on airplanes. The crew of Oceanic 815 could really use one as they had a battery life of eternity. I still have a 3315 at home and not surprisingly, it still works fine even after a decade of being banged around. I use it for working out whenever I am at home. Nice dumbbells they are.

Those days will be missed sorely.

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