Sunday, 5 October 2014

A day in hostel. Without porn.



Oye porn padi hai ??” the calmness of my dreamy sleep was disturbed by an eerie humanoid silhouette towering over my bedside. I returned back to the present, booted my brain and noticed the familiar face in that silhouette.
Nahi hai” I replied.
Saale 100 GB ki to thi tune copy LAN se. Kahan gayi ??”
Ghar gaya tha kal. Delete karni padi saari. Papa  ka laptop kharab ho gaya tha. Mera lappy tha unke paas pura time.” I replied, saddened by what I had to do forcibly. “10 GB ke pravachan, bhajan pade hain. Chahiye to bol.” I added.

I was wide awake by then. Stretched my hand and grabbed my phone to check the time. It was 5:59 AM, still a minute to go before the first of my seven set alarms starts on full blast. I was sitting on my bed, all ready to jump out and start the day before deciding against it and hit the pillow instead. Then I held my phone and began the daily routine – Facebook, Gmail, Twitter.

After spending some considerable amount of time, 21 minutes to be precise, refreshing the tabs I finally gave up and found myself standing on my very own feet, outside the comfort of the bed. I stepped out of the room into the open, and the sight was pretty wonderful. Life is good if you wake up at 6 in the morning. I stepped back in, grabbed my toothpaste and toothbrush and headed to the washroom.

The water tanks were empty, this I realized partially when I opened the tap and partially by a voice emanating from a toilet one floor down, “Bhenchod paani khatam ho gaya.” I embarked upon my journey to find greener pastures where they have water in washrooms.

I woke up my roommate when I returned with cleaner teeth and opened my laptop to check the status of the torrents from the previous day. Three torrents with green bars implying 100% completion gave me a sense of accomplishment. I mean how can someone not be ecstatic when downloads are completed. So the previous day’s to-do list got updated to watching 3 movies all day.

The beautiful sight outside had me in the illusion that somehow it was a Sunday. Unfortunately it was the next day. I had lectures scheduled throughout the day and a lab after lunch. After a brief consideration, I decided to, well fuck the schedule. It hasn’t helped my academics one bit. I hopped onto the bed and started the first movie. ‘Schindler’s List’ the folder said. However, it turned out to be a bad print of ‘Housefull 2’. The torrent was disguised as a classic movie. Khola folder nikli tatti. Well played Sajid Khan. I took this as a preview of the disappointments I was to face in the near future.

Now attending the lectures was out of the question because ek baar jo maine commitment kardi… So I picked a different movie, then another. Went 4 floors down for lunch, looked at the food available, inedible. Came back to the room and decided it was Maggi time. Trust me, they are essential for survival after air and water. The mess workers just hump every edible thing to soak out their soul.

As I mentioned before, I had run out of porn so couldn’t really benefit from the roommate’s absence. And I was tired of watching movies all day and reruns of ‘Friends’ for the umpteenth time. I spent the entire day watching videos on YouTube. Cats. Dogs. Idiots. More cats. Babies. Shit. I was so bored that at one point I almost pulled out a book out of the locker. Yeah I know. I am ashamed of that. Sorry. I had an option of actually getting the fuck out and play something. But there were no friends left for brief a counter strike spell. That’s the limitations of staying behind during holiday season when all friends run off to their mommies. So I opened my laptop and wrote this pointless piece of shit.

I booted my laptop and stared at the ni … err… into the eyes of Alexandra Daddario. And I could imagine her feeling sorry for my pitiful state. I clicked on the MyComputer icon and there I stared again… at the desolate hard disks, deserted by the deleted stash of porn. A sudden purge of guilt surrounded me and there I was knocking on every door of every room, “Bhai porn padi hai ??

An understanding soul obliged and showed me his collection. I can now proudly say I’ve seen heaven.  I noticed the size of that folder. It was approximately a 200GB worth of pure pleasure. I hugged him out of pure brotherly love and respect. There was about one week still remaining before my roommate was scheduled to return. Let your imagination run wild. It was undoubtedly the busiest week of my otherwise pathetic college life.

Bhai itna maal kahan se laate ho ??
Girlfriend.” he replied in the most casual manner possible for such an answer. “DU mein hain bandi meri. Wahan download speed sahi aati hai.

I stood up. *roadies salute*. In fact we all should cherish such bilateral ties and these relationships should be declared national heritage. I politely bowed my head and said, “Namaste” and was on my way back to my room. You never shake hands with the owner of a 200 GB stash of porn. Anyway, I now think I found my best friend.

All hail YouPorn. 

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